Postponed views

I so hate when I see something in so character of you
that it makes me question whether you are for real or just
playing me. It's sad that is how the friendship feels
some days.

Oh the possibilities of what runs through my head. The tricks that
are laid out. Just makes me want to hide in a ball. Sadly I shove
it away because I have no right to say anything about much to you.
Kind of hurts when a clear definition only opens when you
want it too.

You speak so much of certain things but am I only that? Am I
good enough for anything else? Alas why do I even bother to ask,
hmm? Maybe out of curiosity I inquire and yet I feel as though
I am stepping through a barred door.

Maybe I overreact but some characteristics you display make
me shudder under the dirt. The layers that I thought I wiped away.
Somehow I am not above them with you, just yet.

So sad I am some days when I want to explain me, to you,but
I give too much information. Driving you away. Only to be spoken
to once more when all is good timing for you. 

Sure you must benefit greatly for your service. Indeed somewhere
the power welded makes the ego shine. I am not clear but I keep going.
Not allowing any voice to shake and not to show the need to be cold.

Certainly the views are considered as I stand stiffly as tears
fall. I break away from my tangent only to be pressed by one
more of your characteristics. Do you even get the depth of hurt?

Maybe but caring seems unreal. Possibly just best to keep holding
my head up. Not falling. Just walk, moving and keep going forward.
It aches,the depth of tearing, but the mind presses into endurance.

Clearing the head of anguish and anger. The rise to hate you forever
weighs lighter and lighter.  Growing firm in the far horizon. Indeed
I must keep on forgiving. How else do I learn how to endure? How
else do I strive to stand up?

Indeed the views in my sights, the observations are aware yet
I have no right to say a word. Deaf I am to the moment. Hurt
by the trail of tears but not blind to becoming your welcome mat.

By no means am I that. Must you keep being reminded I am a
good friend?  Not at war with you just the actions provided. Yet I
don't rule you nor your thoughts. In fact I just may be an
afterthought. That is only to be  known to you.

Sadly I don't know how to confront the emotions and maybe for many
years I will not express my words face to face. Still here I will.

I remain me. Take what you need but don't destroy.