Is there such a limit?

               Chilled by the cold, wet air I sit outside trying
so hard to numb myself so that my tears will be frozen.
Oh how stupid I feel, I am at these moments. I am always
striving to change myself. Yes and most days I succeed.

              Today, though, I only succeeded in hurting.
Ah a common thread woven tightly inside of me. Oh how
does it fade, ween?

              Yes time eases but so do practice. Ah the
bitter wind snaps at me, lifting loose copper strands.
Demanding for me to crave a tissue, a warm
blanket and a roaring fire. Still I sit outside, on
my balcony, situated so the cold eats at me, digging
deep and stinging me.

           Why, you may ask? Oh to understand why, you
must push further to the mindset.

           Refreshing the senses I explore the deserving
words of thanksgiving of the sharp, cold inhale. Oh
dare I scream out? No. Just clench my jaw, grind my
teeth as I hope really hard to erase my moments
of idiocy this morning.

          Oh, though, I cannot eliminate the past I can
lean into the present with wide slate blue eyes. Biting
my pale lips I can demand myself to absorb the icy
cuts until the final word drops. Oh how the wait leaves
my soul screaming.

        I entertain the morning air with my salty tears
and the millisecond warm breath. Oh yes I shiver but
still I need this. I need to talk. I need to cry. I need
to say how simple my thoughts were. So sad that I hurt.
So angry at myself for being rude, abrupt and
insensitive towards any genuine kindness.

       Ah why do I do that? Why can I not accept it?
Why can I not sit there and contemplate the motives
of the giver? Second guessing if they have an ulterior
motive. Why?  Is it truly because I am so unclear,
so unsure of the love they have for me?

       Ah this is where the talk must happen. The voice
finding the crispness in the rain, the slicing in the
freezing breeze. Yes this is my torture to myself
because I never seem to do,to say the right thing. Oh.

       Still I really want to hope loudly, voicing that one
does forgive but what does my apology mean
after so many times? Is there such as forgiveness for
these amounts?

      Oh I do not know the levels I am at with each
person but please know I do try my best, sometimes
I just end up missing the point. Ah but.. still.. the
tears of hope stream a path down frozen blue,
freckled cheeks.

     Indeed I hope my level isn't to the limits, just
yet.