How do I deserve your kindness?

                I don't deserve the people who love me. Even
those who stand by me, calling me their friend. Oh it
is so obviously clear how I treat those who are
unconditionally by me.

                I don't sound as though I ever appreciate
them until my anger flares and I bite at them. Ah
how I reach for something, someone not caring who,
what I latch onto. Ah these people are genuinely
concerned for me and I bite.

                Oh how do I deserve their kindness, their
forgiveness? Do I even? Yes I need to say the
severity of my wrong doings. The hope that
somewhere in my switch I didn't say, do something
that kills the friendship.

               Still I recall how they keep their distances
for days, weeks. Still, I wonder, do I even deserve
them coming back? How about the love of open arms?
Do I even?

              If you ask me I would say no. Yet, still I am
proven wrong. Such a wonderful moment when a voice
is heard, a letter is sent, a photo blast my phone.
Then I wonder why and then I am so grateful!

            So here I sit on my balcony, after rearranging
my entire room, wondering if this day will be
another one of these blessings. I can only hope, pray.

           Ah the cool breeze cheers, bringing rain sprinkles
across the paper and my streaking red face. Such
a gentle push of love. Slowly the wondering, the
dispair of worry and the impatience fades.

           Sipping my coffee I absorb in the beauty Jehovah
is giving me. Weighing my thoughts, my heart, my
prayers upon my Father, Jehovah. I know he listens.

           Cooling winds remind me to just relax. Jehovah
will walk with me, help me as the weight subsides. Ah
the rain soothes the mind and I give thanks to Jehovah
for loving me just as all those friends of mine do.

           Taking the turn of hope, I lean into the rain
and enjoy for a few seconds. Long enough to allow a
smile to caress my face. Trying my best to not
question, not to see the negativity in the irrational
situations I create.

           So dearest friend, I do not know how or why
I deserve you but I am grateful for everything given,
taken. Ever so kind and loving you are to me. All
I seem to do is mess things up. Then always
apologizing for my "Mary Moments", my invading
of uninvited times. This I am, will always be
working with Jehovah on.

           As for you, I hope you accept and forget me
in my times. All I can do is hope and say a prayer
that the forgiveness is there each and every time.