Sleep dream trigger

                                    Sitting in the dark, staring at the ceiling. 

        Triggered by something so bad that it makes my anxiety attacks on a continuous shakedown. It is a wonder how I managed to stay on the good side of the law.  

        Seated upright, scrolling through the darkened times I had as a child and grown woman. I am just amazed that I am not locked up either in chains or a padded cell. 

        Then I think about my career choice and wonder how "sane" people choose to steal as a career. Why did you do it? For boredom, for appearances or is it compulsive?

        I cannot imagine for a moment that you could even stand the damage I experienced, let alone have any of your own. SO why, if I am capable of working hard to pay for my items, that you choose to steal from it? Does your Escalade, Lexus, F150 or Ram make you do it?

        All these questions trigger my sour childhood, and now I wake up with an escalating pulse, sweats, wheezing and chills. Sitting wide awake with a migraine and striving to make these breathing techniques work. The hope to stop the wheezing long enough to have 2 more hours of undisturbed sleep.

     A hope I sincerely cling to. However, every scent inside and outside is causing grumbling, limited air space and pressure. All I can do now is wait. Thinking that what triggered me can psychologically be erased or blocked so rest can slip through. 

      One doesn't really knows how to stop a trigger but tries to understand and avoid at all possibilities. Believe me, I know how to block out trauma, so I think a trigger should be no issue. Yet, here I am in a darkened room watching as the sun rises.

        So how did I end up on the correct, normal side of the darkness? Fear and just minimalism. Striving to stay above the drowning all the while motivating others to stand clear of the red flags. I cannot help everyone but just getting one or two people to see optimism is a win for me. But does that really help me overcome those traumas? No. Yet they all remind that I could be rotting in jail, a mental institution or even dead. I am sure there are some that still want to see me in those spaces. And here I strive my hardest, working and maintaining my hardships in silence.

        What I am experiencing with all these triggers and silence is starting to crack me. Maintaining my resting face causes a lot of accusations projected at me but how do I respond? Yes how do I respond? Not with violence as my traumatized self should, but with concern, understanding and patience. Surprising those aggressors with irritation that I don't respond to their bitter cat calls. Its sadness that reaches me. I react that their bitter, hatefulness is something they chose because they think I have lived a "privileged" life. 

        Ha. The company they would experience if they walked any miles in my shoes. Yet still they create this harassing environment within my workplace. All I feel is laughter and sorrow for their attempts to scare or hurt me. My mind, bones and emotions have already been through wars. I don't think you can taint the wounds I carry, not even reopen the ragged scars.

        So as I write this the calm and breathing techniques have started to find peace within. Slowly making me sleepy again. Possibly, I will find an hour or two before another crazy shift.

        Alas can I erase the trauma, no. Can I erase the triggers, no. Can I make new memories to help overcome the deadly ones, yes. I must have patience with myself. One of the hardest things to do because I have high expectations of myself. One misstep can turn me sour. 

        So this is an ongoing battle, every day of every year. There are some losses but the greater gain is the ever-changing world with positive achievements I do. And that is how I make it through one tragic incident after another. 

        Putting myself second is always the great thing but God first is the greatest. So a path of recovery every second of the day until I pass away.

        Yes my triggers are everywhere and even in the very city I live in. My anxiety is not going to go away but I can learn to adjust to it and be prepared to do what is right for me. I am grateful for such an understanding God, friend.