Can I grieve?

 I still grieve for my childhood. I was choked out of the safe upbringing. I viewed a variety of horrors and I kept myself going strong. I thought what I experienced was normal, everybody had this kind of violence within the household. That sisters and fathers could be this soul destructing. 

Yet as I experienced life, I saw just how wrong I was. Just how innocent I could never be. The purity of naivety is something I knew, closely held onto until I a was four. How does one not cry from holding that kind of tenderness. How does one bond with others, now, after all that has played a part of her life?

Some days I do wonder. Some days I am content. Some days I am full of anger. Why didn't I get a chance to experience a break of my innocence on my own terms? I wonder what I would have been like in my youth, in my young woman stages. Would I be this cold, this strong? 

How does one address the grief of rapes, molestation and incest? I know after decades of dealing with grief and changing who I am as a survivor, is it okay to still cry in the loss of my childhood? Is it wrong to cry for that child that never got to be a child?

Right now I feel selfish for thinking about this. Something that should always stay hidden because once people know, the family name is forever tarnished. Yet, does saying anything really matter now? The limitation of the actions and those involved are long over and dead, so what is the importance of bringing up anything bad?

So many people have told me to just get over it? Grow up, mature and carry forward. BUT HOW? I have been silent for so long, and for who's benefit? Some times I want to just scream for a long time and even slap everyone who tells me it is not important now. But I am still hurting. 

I am not a victim. I am not seeking attention, but I do want some validation from those who have told me to remain silent. I want to break my silence. I want people to know, I am still healing and grieving. 

Did you know I forgave but I just couldn't forget because it made me into the person I am today. Do I constantly bring it up. no. Just sometimes I feel the need to explore why me? Why was I chosen for this position? What did I do to deserve it? Its that, that makes no understanding within my core. And that is why I still grieve. 

Is it wrong to grieve? 

Then I think about the worst thing I did to grieve as a teenager was to cut myself with glass and blades. I still didn't get anyone asking so I stopped. I tried so much to be the good one and finding that even being the good daughter, did nothing. Still so much gone. 

Then college and marriage came and went. Life carried forward. Yet I still kept my distance from family and gave proper space to those who did need the attention. Fell into a constant reminding wheel of narcissistic isolation and never felt good enough. 

Now in a place where triggers are everywhere. The town I am in, the places I go and the family I see. I still am striving for that peace, that contentment and that calm.. all before the storm rages in.

And I still grieve for not being allowed to tell anyone my secrets. Then when I do, I am told I lie. 

See why I grieve, silently? I am still a lost child, inside a grown woman who feels like a warrior everyday. Hopefully a mentor to someone in life. And still, I would be petrified if someone actually, truly, loved me for my scars, my flaws and my truth.