A new era

I wrote the other day in a journal. I had gotten away from writing my poetry and even have stopped painting. Then I finally opened my ears back up to listening to music. Just as I started to feel something I closed back up. Not wanting anyone to glimpse at my nakedness. 

To open up the bleakest part of me, thinking that whoever it is, could rape my very spirit, I could not bear that. And so I stayed inside a shadow. Yet shadows find a home inside of my mind and my very core. Some are scared of shadows but I know there is a form of grey that grows and I can develop. 

But what hinders me to push into the open is this want to just fall into someone's arms. Yet that is not realistic. I fade and I wean. 

Still there is so much that is left unsaid. So much that just lingers in this soft black. So much loss and so much heartache. Yet here I stand just clinging to what is real and true. I understand that my place is in the world of singleness and I created a mess of lives. Yet is it so wrong to hope that I am wrong?

Or even that I will make a motion and gain action inside these future days? Perhaps even one moment where the reality of the situation is there and someone will slap the drama back into the course of life?

And still I stay silent. The sighs of exhaustion settle in  and I hesitate to release any kind of groaning because I will look as though I do not care. Yet I do.

Why does it matter so? Why do I need to have that validation? And there it is, the of what really weighs in the darkness.  And even now that there is the words written out, why does the mind and the heart not clear of the weight? Why is there still so much of me left too heavy to bear? 

And now as the morning lights hit the sky, why do I not dare to open my mind? Why am I so bleak in the thoughts or emotions? Ah yes the desire to find calm and yet I hope for lots of drama so that someone will step up to clear it away from my soul. Why am I so complex? Such comedy therein lies the laughter.

Yet my friend, why cannot I be beyond that of a friend? Why does my singleness have to remain single? Still I don't dare ask for you to understand, much less answer. Yet part of me wants to slap senses there but I know I cannot and that is how it has to be. Friendships that just settle. Steep inside of murky gray water but hold its own weight within. 

Such a confusion but alas that is life. Not much of it makes sense except what is written before and beheld for all times. 

One could hope but I dare not dream.