All those things I could have been

 I think of the many times I could have been swallowed up by drugs, alcohol or just did self harm in any way. Yet even with my trauma of childhood sexual assaults and childhood rapes I still cannot find myself wallowing in the pattern of a victim. So many times I have taken myself out of some deep darkness. I have separated myself from all that is familiar because I don't feel like I deserve that. Yet I do deserve a life of love.

And still there are moments where I want to pound glass into my skin because no one understands this depth of disgusts and pain. Then I remind myself that there could be worse things, events that could happen. Realizing I have no right to remove my life before Jehovah sees fit. Yet there is darkness in me every day. I tell people the facade of smiling and being cordial for all is overwhelming.  Some times I just need to walk. Escape. Be free.

Yet what does that accomplish? I know not. 

Never fails that I am reminded that there are two sides of a coin. A positive and a negative, a choice in which I have to straddle in deciding. As much as the many times the comfort of sliding into a darkened hole sounds isolating and pure, I know the lighted joy is a must have to make more steps forward.

As much as I demand a moment of screaming quiet there is still a tiny squeak. In that reminder is the understanding there is nothing left in that traumatic lifetime that should chain me down.

Yet === I find myself being more and more selectively quiet.

I could have drowned myself in all the negativity and swallowed a million pills. I even could have injected a billion needles to clear mind mind of a lost child. Though all those things I could have, should have done... I found a way, my way out. 

Still there are moments when my memories swirl and give me grievances but I hold my head up and pray for strength. Otherwise, I would be amongst the lost.

Which I am not.