In New light
The things you learn in the grand day of things. The mind never shuts down long enough to find that complete indifference.
Always is there this loud clap that happens. Falling to pieces are the shattered utensils and yet there is no need to pick them up. The night opens and the new day begins. Even when the thoughts are blissfully aware of the joy inside you, the questions still itch your nerves.
Sure there are those moments when I don't want to ask myself why did I think of him tonight. Yet all I did was say his name and the questions arise. And even as they fade into the abyss I still sigh in knowing something made him come to thought.
Yet to inquire what exactly would be an all nighter things. Best lay down the barrier so that the memories and the truth are not shaded.
Best to forgo any ideas of why I want to why I can't be friends. It's just not an answer I am allowed to have. Yet I know the depth of why, really I do.
But the itch to wonder does settle inside. And as the night processes I find myself chiding in even thinking just one thought of what if.
See that is why I must fall asleep soon. No need to recall the bitter ending because the truth in it all is that it is OVER.
Yes I know this and the mind sees clearly. Even the heart doesn't ache for him. I just am curious to life? Is there joy found? Depth of happiness found?
Am I strange to wonder about such goodness for a man? I must be. Why else would I question myself at almost three in the morning on a Monday? Clearly the hope is deeply moving me.
No fake measures for sure. I am not surprised nor heartbroken if love is found. I know I wasn't his match. As much as my heart wanted it, I understood better.
And as I realized that I am grateful to have been named a crazy statistic in his life. For I know I am only reduced to a figure of his painted past. A crazy reminder.
Yet I have no harshness against him or anyone. You see I am growing. I have tumble. I have drowned. I have been buried. Yet through it all I had this perseverance to make sure I got back up.
As much as I despise being labeled, I know it is just another defense mechanism for him. I understand it helps for the darkness to be hidden deeper.
For me. Well i shook my Skelton tree. So much fell out that I had to look around. I had to reassess the worst and best parts. Deciphering which needed a clear tossing and which need to be opened wide.
The best thing about rediscovering yourself is finding the voice you didn't have before. Plus the wavelength to expose the darkness and find joy and happiness.
I can't expect anyone to know my journey much less ever want to be my friend but I know now what I don't want.
See that is why he came across my mind. He saw only my darkness. Never once saw the light I have now. That I feel bad about.
Yet.
That is how I grew within his arms. I hid so much of me just for one more second with him. And now, I learn I am will be just as good in my light as I am in my darkness.
Doesn't mean I have no more darkness. Just means there are less visible sights of it. I am more complete now.
So much came to the air that I am empowered to say thank you so much dear friend. And now we go forward.
Building.
So here is to new beginnings in light.
Always is there this loud clap that happens. Falling to pieces are the shattered utensils and yet there is no need to pick them up. The night opens and the new day begins. Even when the thoughts are blissfully aware of the joy inside you, the questions still itch your nerves.
Sure there are those moments when I don't want to ask myself why did I think of him tonight. Yet all I did was say his name and the questions arise. And even as they fade into the abyss I still sigh in knowing something made him come to thought.
Yet to inquire what exactly would be an all nighter things. Best lay down the barrier so that the memories and the truth are not shaded.
Best to forgo any ideas of why I want to why I can't be friends. It's just not an answer I am allowed to have. Yet I know the depth of why, really I do.
But the itch to wonder does settle inside. And as the night processes I find myself chiding in even thinking just one thought of what if.
See that is why I must fall asleep soon. No need to recall the bitter ending because the truth in it all is that it is OVER.
Yes I know this and the mind sees clearly. Even the heart doesn't ache for him. I just am curious to life? Is there joy found? Depth of happiness found?
Am I strange to wonder about such goodness for a man? I must be. Why else would I question myself at almost three in the morning on a Monday? Clearly the hope is deeply moving me.
No fake measures for sure. I am not surprised nor heartbroken if love is found. I know I wasn't his match. As much as my heart wanted it, I understood better.
And as I realized that I am grateful to have been named a crazy statistic in his life. For I know I am only reduced to a figure of his painted past. A crazy reminder.
Yet I have no harshness against him or anyone. You see I am growing. I have tumble. I have drowned. I have been buried. Yet through it all I had this perseverance to make sure I got back up.
As much as I despise being labeled, I know it is just another defense mechanism for him. I understand it helps for the darkness to be hidden deeper.
For me. Well i shook my Skelton tree. So much fell out that I had to look around. I had to reassess the worst and best parts. Deciphering which needed a clear tossing and which need to be opened wide.
The best thing about rediscovering yourself is finding the voice you didn't have before. Plus the wavelength to expose the darkness and find joy and happiness.
I can't expect anyone to know my journey much less ever want to be my friend but I know now what I don't want.
See that is why he came across my mind. He saw only my darkness. Never once saw the light I have now. That I feel bad about.
Yet.
That is how I grew within his arms. I hid so much of me just for one more second with him. And now, I learn I am will be just as good in my light as I am in my darkness.
Doesn't mean I have no more darkness. Just means there are less visible sights of it. I am more complete now.
So much came to the air that I am empowered to say thank you so much dear friend. And now we go forward.
Building.
So here is to new beginnings in light.
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