A step closer

    Never would I have ever guessed that
I would end up with the empty feeling
again. The tiny drips of ick swallow
into the hollow of my veins.

   Kind of funny, sarcastically, how much
I didn't want to ever be here  again. Yet
here I am.

   So wide awake as the night transforms
into the morning. Work is coming
harder before me and still I am
unfolding into this basket of tightly
woven knots.

   Just once I would like to completely
unwind. No distractions. No sadness
to pull me back. Oh I pray for that day
soon.

   Holding tight upon the biggest leap
of silence. Dancing inside a eyes wide
open dream. The sickness inside the
every breath and still I volunteer to
press it all away.

   Still there are moments of uncertainty
but I am able to keep going, somehow.

   How? Why?

   I cannot begin to understand.  I just
keep going. The emotional turmoil
soon erases and the dispair finds
another door. Exiting fast as I write
down what I learned this time, adjusting
to the correction Jehovah allowed me
to see.

   Indeed the lesson I didn't want to
read again waved the flag in front.
Yes the experiences, this  time, weren't mine but nevertheless I still felt the
earthquake. 

    Just how unsteady I was. Thankful
for the opportunity to help but not the
losing the memories,  the friends.

    Alas if they were real they would have
been closer. Dreamed of true human
friends but I cannot deny truth, I
cannot lie to make others feel better.

   At times like these I had hoped silence
would have been better installed in me.
Yet I have once again learned that truth
is NOT what people want to hear.

   Truth is what sets you free. Perhaps
that makes me too free. Isolated, in
a sense, to others. Not intended but
I will not be fake to impress.

    Either love me for me or not at all.
Alas once more I stand outside looking
in but with a better understanding of
why.

    I am just different. I am okay
with that.

     No I don't expect invitations. I don't
need pity parties. All I ask for is
love for the singleness of me. Indeed
I am happy,  content with where this
lesson took me.

    Thank you Jehovah for a step closer.