Tarnished, yet am I?

 It is remarkable how much a woman spends her life trying to make herself docile,  gentle and worth something to someone. Even more so is that even though her past is tarnished with views of disgust, some say doesn't change how they will view her, yet in another's eyes she still is that rusted, tarnished soul.

So many years I have tried to out live some sort of disgusting, distorted view of who I was to who I am now. The actions I go to be plain and to be unnoticed is put into place for a reason. 

My life is simple. I only ask to be worth something to Jehovah. I have kind of given up trying to shine up my past and clear it from my future. So many people, constantly, remind me that I am no different from before. 

Though all they are doing is relying on memories to feed them. No connections. As thought provoking their words and memories are,  I have come a long way from that woman. 

When I stop to think just how emotional I can be I am said to be too much. Or reminded to relax. Why can I not just be told I am doing just fine, my emotions are okay to have and am allowed my intensity. 

I took too much to change into a gentle woman. Why would I reduce all that hard work for nothing? Someone once insulted me, not through words but actions. Proved that my time, my efforts meant nothing. In fact laughed and destroyed my wall. 

Why? What justice did they gain? Ah that I will never know because I walked away from them. My time will not be wasted. I will not be told I am the same person as before. My effort is not in vain and I have done whatever Jehovah has asked me. 

So as to walking away, I listened to Jehovah and watched as names and labels were placed next to my character. As in some days it hurts. Though the pain stabs me I still am proud I listened to what Jehovah was telling me. 

I am loved. I have changed. With that I have to docile enough to Jehovah and I am protected from what damages. 

As some will read and turn my words to suit their fancy. Criticize me as though they know me, but can only judge from my past behavior  because that is all they know. As I walk away, into a path of light all I really would really like to know is why? 

Why do you compare me? Why do you use my past as the colors that represent me now? Why does placing labels upon me, help you recover? Oh how I am sad and praying for you.

For my time and effort is still worthwhile, valued, by Jehovah. So perhaps you can laugh at me, and even label me something but what are YOU really hiding?

One day you will recognize the lesson. By then, hopefully all siblings within Jehovah's children will overlook and overcome their differences. I look forward to that day, imperfections wiped away.

And you? Will you understand my great efforts to be different of sorts?