Knowing me

It takes a great stance to tell me that you know me well. And for you to stand there and say that I should know by now that I am the ONLY one keeping myself from Jehovah's protection. Talk about a slap in the face. It was the truth I needed to hear. Even more the reality that I had been praying about. Truly Jehovah hears our prayers.

What I would like to say is for the last week or so I have dreaming about a few people. Those people who uplifted me and kept me going and how I ruined everything. This one person reminded me that Jehovah forgives. Even more so is that me not attending meetings is my own fault. My own reasoning within my heart and mind, that Jehovah isn't capable of forgiving me of my wickedness. 

So the question I hold dear is "Why am I stating that Jehovah, God doesn't forgive me?" I do understand when I spoke to the brothers nearly two years ago that I was still quite immature in my thoughts and left completely. Halting my connection with Jehovah for a year. 

So why now? Is it the turmoil of the COVID-19 that is making me turn back? No. Actually is it my prayers to Jehovah that is telling me that Jehovah never left me. I just listened to what I wanted to listen to and forsaking the guidance that was given. In the last few months, through these ups and downs, in society I have leaned upon what is NOT my understanding. I have seen some greatness, mightiness of Jehovah that worldly people overlook. 

What I want to admit is that in the years that I have been disfellowshipped I have found and lost my way several times. I have come back to Jehovah numerous times but failed to keep a diligent watch over the breaking of my spirit. I just let go altogether only to realize that there, in Jehovah's arms, at his table is where I so desperately want to be. 

That, you see, is the key. The want. You have to want to change. You have to want to clean up your act. You have to want to search for Jehovah. That is the biggest fight of your life, in the world.  Only because Satan knows you want, you need to be with your Father, Jehovah, God. 

In these lingering moments, these silent seconds of a day, how I find ways to change. Being misunderstood is the norm. Being more structured and obedient, is wayward. Yet that is just the reason why I find myself coming back to Jehovah. 

I found myself praying so hard that tears fell, the calm of relief explode and the weights on my shoulders unbound.  This is what it means to talk to Jehovah, God. To pour your mind, your heart and your spirit into his hands. In those breaking minutes, you find yourself with this breath of fresh air, this burst of adrenaline that can only be a push of holy spirit. You find yourself reaching for more meditating scriptures, stories and research into the bible than you had before.

Yet, you are always hesitant. Not because of fear of the unknown but that of are you worthy of Jehovah's love. Then the brochure Return to Jehovah reminds you that Jehovah has NEVER stopped loving you. This is the first hope you have to realize. 

Sometimes as I lay awake at night I see all the words, people Jehovah gave me to learn from and I ask myself numerous times, Ïf they had lessons to adjust why not me?" So the question I must ask myself daily, now, is how do I change my circumstances so I can add more time with Jehovah? Where should I start? 

Thanks to someone in South Carolina, listening to streaming I am capable of adjusting time to watch watchtower and midweek meetings. And now I just must make it a point to adjust parts of my life to allocate more bible, research and meditate time with Jehovah. Finding my place in his sights again. A small goal. But for today it is to do more research on the subject the brothers left me with in 2018. Time for me to start a study that has been long awaiting my mind, spirit and heart. 

So thank you for the "knowing me" well enough to shake my foundation into a rekindling fire. Thank you for letting Jehovah use you to push me back towards him. One day I look forward to all my new brothers and sisters.