When are you still, yet?

 I found myself in this moment of silence that doesn't seem to ever go away. A moment where I want to scream but also where I want to fade away. And in the slightest of emotions I just feel the need to soak down to ash. 

Sure some of you would direct this as a form of depression but I see it as still the exiting of confusion. The energy that swallows deep within me is so loud, so suffocating. And where does this go for now? Where does the sigh cease to fall? Still the mind sees so many things and is vibrating the core with unnecessary concern over people that really should not matter. 

And still..

They do matter. They do still swarm around my aura and give me this comfort and this solitude that I thought I could only find inside my darkened room. It is that, that holds me here. That is what carefully plays open this divide that is happening within me. 

And in  a way I am so scared of what might come but I am excited in the possibilities of something more grand than before. And yet, being my father's daughter, I know that much is sacred and temperamental within in stone walls. But do I care? No.

As I exhale the low breath I have been holding onto, I realize that I am wanting something I haven't voiced yet and still am quite afraid to say. And I don't want the pressure of now to invade the future. Yet I also understand that the necessity is groundbreaking. In that moment, this one right now, I find myself saying how much I need you. 

Yet..

Who is "you"? 

Not many choices inside my walls. Not many get even that opportunity to be apart of the story within  my book. Not many even get to be a name or a sentence in my mind, in my playbook. Yet, you do. And still this shine of emeralds find radiance with in its own raging walls.

How do you do that? Why is it so necessary to be this bigger person and find ways to dissect every bit of me? How is it that you feel this need to find fault in me? 

Yet.. I still allow you this open space within me. Perhaps I am truly the problem, and though, my core of my energy says there is something that is important standing near you. Of course many people don't believe in that stuff, honestly, neither do I. Yet.. Still..

Here we are. The monsters in the room of variations of fake people. Are we though, the ones that are different or just the ones that deserve peace?

My question that really presses bone to vein to air is that of when will my presence be allowed in all spaces? When? Why not now?

So that is what always gets me bound with tension and insomnia where just one hug can erase it all. So when will you make an exception and step out, making a hug more available than one spot inside rooms that are hidden?

Ummm?