Gratitude of a Dragonfly

 Today I always drop down so many things I am grateful for. Today was the managing of pain in areas I didn't think would ever release. There were also those tiny moments of pure pleasure seen in finding a dragonfly swirling in the air around me. Landing just so perfectly beside me.  Then there was the moment I got a thank you for checking in. The hearts that flutter when a soft moment opens. Also I was grateful for the moment to just blink without squinting through darkness. And yet, I still tolerated the slight smirk that danced across black honeyed lips. Curved ever so slight when reading an e-book. 

Am I grateful for all the things that happen in my life? No. And I know I should be because there are some experiences that build the better person that I hope to be, stronger. I had hoped to be a stronger person when it comes to whispering about my emotions, about how I just want to express how tired I am as a woman. Yet there are times when I don't think people get how much I suppress, because I am supposed to, because I am that pillar that everyone else needs me to be. And still there are the disappointments I hold over myself because I did stress over not being supportive, kind and gentle. Only forbidden to just exhale the pent up rotten air that is wavering inside my lungs. 

Yet, I bet, no one see that in me. No one looks beyond the pale freckled face, puffy cheeks, high, proud cheekbones, nor the blue eyes engulfed in tortoise shell frame. No one sees how unkempt my strawberry blond reddish hair is but they do see the attitude I give. They do see the sass and the silence. Yet are you really looking at me or just through me. The air is tight here. The weight on my shoulder is anchored in deepening abyss. Yet all I want is just one moment that is mine, without care to do something for me, just for me. 

And still I sound so selfish and ungrateful for all those things and actions people have already given and shown. You see, I do recognize them. I do hold onto them but I am only one person and the gratitude and the actions are for millions. How dare you ask me to just be patient and hold down the unstable fort. I need help. 

And then there it is : the reason that everyone tells me to seek help, find a way to express myself. Find contentment. But I do have contentment. I have sought the "so called" help they are talking about - but the fact remains that I do have solace. That is the peace that I have within myself and that is why I am capable of being grateful and happy. 

Yet still there is this itch that remains. It is a demand of sorts that calls people out for all the open ended conversations or the uncalled for silences that are standing in fields that don't need to be here. This is why I have so much allowances for people. I let them take whatever they need and I give in on some of those spaces. Even there are those that I just allow and allow and allow until I am completely faded. But that may be what they needed. 

And here, here I sit just waiting to see if someone reaches back out to push a gift towards me. I always have hope there is a possibility that all my patience and all that I am taught is rewarded, in sorts. Though you must understand, I do not ever ask for things back, I just hope that one day someone see that I am so depleted of my energy, my gratitude and my patience - even my love - that they are compelled to give me a small increment of a spark to cleanse myself into a person of renewal. As much as I hope, I have yet to see too many keep those words and actions as one, and I tremble in the insecurities I have that it is a pipe dream crashing hard before me. 

See I am grateful for my insecurities. They help me grow, build a new layer of me. This in turn is used to help those who need the energy I press into the air. That is the cycle I am confident in. For now that is all I must be clear about and all that is allowed, separated because I know it is my faith that grounds me and is the firm foundation that steadies me. And still, there is hope in words of men, that their actions will someday actually hold weight. Weight that I will no longer have to carry to protect myself nor my core. That is the gratitude I have for you right now. A hope. 

And maybe that is all that can be given. I understand that but when does it change? When does my bridge become something that is crossed to find the answers? When does my wall crack so that pebbles can breathe? When does the whistle of time, find me standing amongst the trees in confidence and laughter? 

So when do you find me? When do you notice my gratitude? When will you find the time to see my contentment and find that you want to be involved in it? When? Still these are always questions that make me, remind me, to stay alert and always understand that there is much to be known. In those times I have to stay quiet and keep being what is asked of me but it doesn't stop the curiosity I have of when. So when do you think you can say my name aloud and be happy it fell from your lips?

When?