What friendships are

 I decided long ago that friendships are supposed to be supportive and demanding no matter the amount of simplicity. Yet here I sit striving to keep myself at a distance. Why do I really bother to do that? It is as though my emotions are not valid nor of any consequence, which is by far, not true. Yet here I am allowing myself to be subjected to an overthinking mind. 

I understand that trauma in my past causes insecurities and self degradation but I still take upon my own responsibilities of my actions from those. I am accountable for all that is me from past to current. Yet I still am so confused as to why I allowed subpar friendships to tangle inside my walls. Why am I letting seepage into my boundaries?

And now the acceptance of some to tolerant within my core, just has me questioning all my rules and regulations. Perhaps that notion of just one hint of care is what leads me to another hope. Yet why would I have even allowed that presence to grace my depth? 

So much as me redefining who I am to the point of justifications and excuses. That is how the damage begins and engulfs a spirit. Best thing is to stay quiet, move away silently and find comfort within my soul and my mind. Rearranging the scattered stones until the clear path is restored. 

To think I was letting friendships and toxicity intertwine with my joy and my happiness is absurd. Yet I was just being an open door way for all sorts of trampling to happen. Here I sit in the darkness of my  room, surrounding by boxes half unpacked, in a glow of the closet light and see that I have just undone a lot of chaos. Yet there is still  more to come and I am in very big hopes that people can change. That life does give lemons but also strawberries that can make sweet but tart outcomes for the better.

I am in a constant state of hope and that is where I want to remain. Even get a few leaps of joy and surprises along the way. Even to say a surprise is shocking since I am not a big fan of surprises. Yet even as that is a big sigh to acknowledge I still recognize I have much to work on, myself within. I am not perfect and am fine with that. There are many aspects of my life I'd like to erase but all parts have made me resilient and patient. With that being said, those who I call cherished friends, should be aware that I give much of myself to them. There must be a sort of understanding that they, too, must give back in return.

As giving as I am I have to remind myself that a person too, who deserves a gift here and there. Yet I will never say it out loud. It truly has to be a surprise or a thought that my friends came up with. Not my hinting. 

And yet, I do support my friendships in verses of conversation and presence but that also must be returned. I will no longer be one sided on my friendships and if there is toxicity of any kind I will silently walk away. 

That is my resolution to the situation of friendships. I am too aware of who I want to be and how I hope to be treated. I have standards and yes I am forgiving but not a push over. So if you feel this is an attack on your person, perhaps address me or work on your self examination. For I know I will be in constant self awareness and be readjusting myself to the changes I need to make.

That is the good thing about real friendships. Some scare us into recognizing where we are inside. Some even educate us on how to be or change. Some remain stagnant but others flourish. That is how friendships must be. And some develop deeper into strengthening core to mind, spirit to heart. That is what some start as, small but endearing. Then grow to support and define. 

Yet where to stand if not alone looking in? Silent, resilient and patient.