A play on a view

Many a times I have found myself rereading a book or watching a movie not because to view or imagine the storyline all over again but to find that quote that dug into my very fiber. More times than not the lines of words are truths that I have said to myself of sorts.

Then to find a story that relates to yourself in a forms is rather unique. 

Still with as much darkness I have in my past, I am certain there are a few movies I adore that are only the hopeful romantic version. I have only come across a few movies that take a my depth of pain and made the emotions relatable. 

If such.. Umrao Jaan is close, similar but not quite familiar. There is a great deal of midnight, sharpest darkness that echoes deep within me. To suppress so much of it because the pillar of my family, well damage can be acid in the most disgusting pickling ever. However, how does one still maintain some sort of decorum? Maintain any straight face? 

Truly a good question that, even I, have a hard time answering. And yet I still skim the surface for so many people. Why? Only for the fact that my life is about the surviving I did and still do in parts. When I do tell some people details they want for me to tell the world of my story, yet really what good does that do?

For so long I have been playing a part - being Mary - that I don't know who the real person is but a survivor. I take great annoyance on those who have heard my story and use it as their own. I have no respect for those people who are calling on the title of a victim. Did you know most of the survivors of great horrors don't wallow in that time.. Most of us push through it. (to much dismay, we make ourselves overcome too fast) That is the tragedy. 

I only speak of my experience with fellow survivors. Not all stories are the same and not hating anyone who is still and will always be surviving through vivid terrors.  

So when I find these quotes in movies and books that resonates every fiber of my spirit and soul I am in awe. These are the parts that remind me to keep finding a reason to outlive all that was tormenting and deadly within my life. 

Not to say that any one person who survives is wrong in what they experienced but please DO NOT ever take my story, Mary, and run it as your own. That damages a survivor even worse than before. To play a victim of a situation or a life that you haven't a clue to. Or to recommend the survival traits as silly or childish. Whatever I do, anyone else does, to protect themselves, IS NOT childish or silly. 

As for me.. Being pillar but also a cast out of my family, I have gained many defensive mechanisms. I have learned that life is full of negativity and that you can choose so many different options. In my case I did choose oddly on some things but mostly all have been for the positive (even in the grey areas). 

Yet still, is there any form of therapy I have used? Yes. Walks in nature, painting, writing, prayer and online therapy. And even though I am a survivor, my life does walk with my shadow as well. So I am forever aware of the completion of my soul - shadow and light. Both are part of me. Which will be prominent each day is deciphered on the mood at hand. 

Most often it is the hope of light but some times I can settle in the shadows all day long. Stewing along the wind but working ever strong. Do I have PSTD? I do not know. I have trauma induced dreams or daydreams that shake my being but does it make me falter in my steps of daily life, no. I do relive parts of my past and I do find my biggest challenge is trust. Trust and the belief of life is so easygoing. 

I have such a strong contemptuous view of life. I am certain that is a defensive mechanism. And yet I am an idealistically dreamer who also has a semi realistic view of life. Whew, if that makes any sense.

So to break down any form of understanding of this piece to grasp that my outlook on life is a hopeful optimistic view with drops of acidic disdain. And to realize that I search for books and movies that can grasp my core with a quick smirk or chuckle, and throttle my senses with profound truth.

That is how I would hope you view me. A survivor with a quirky sense of humor and lots of passionate hope of light verses shadow.