Perhaps in parts of me

 Upon the exit of morning and the sky falling into a darkened navy I am grateful of just a small piece of calm. Although my pulse is racing I am still relaxed.  Perhaps this increases the joy and the laughter as I exhale for the seconds. 

As I read my poem from early this morn I realized just how shaken I was. In addition the excess of words. Truthfully, even this afternoon I was still slightly afraid. Oh by no means do I say the emotional sensations of fear but that of hurried steps through an eerie hallway. 

In moderation of the lack of sleep over the night I am happy to report how positive and bouncy  I remained within my workspace. Perhaps the pert and little sleep improved my behavior overall. Though, grant you,I do not intend to continuously sleeping less than four hours. Indeed I do understand the necessity to have more that six. Yet there are many a times that five to the exact minute I am awaken.

And though there are many a times I stay up late into the early morning hours. Ah but anyhow. The facts of life for me. Hints of who I was and am thrown in with what goals of what I hope to be. Perhaps slices of slate that alone do not mean much but together they build a pathway. 

Yes I would say that is me. Not to say I am incapable of learning and adjusting but just at this moment alert and calm is a good start. 

So much chaos entering and exiting life for me. It is kindness that opens the darkness to glimmers of light and hope. Perhaps too much of optimism but after all the darkest parts of me I am glad to be able to stand up taller.

Granted I do have some dramatic days that lead to sobbing afternoons. In those times I have to recall what my Grandmother always told me, grit. Pick yourself up because you have a choice in life. And not to put off on anyone who has months and months of these days (never do I want someone to feel inferior), I do just pick myself up. I do have the standing of a pillar of my family so I must maintain some footing. 

Did you know some days I do just want to break? There are times where just blowing steam off my brain and within my muscles is exhilarating.  Yet most times I hold it all in, maintaining that outward shell of positivity.  

The only way you can see my cracks is when you ask questions or look at my artwork. So much of me is there.

Yet also listen with your mind and understand with your heart. I am like so many people and I have a lifetime of experiences that some only imagine. Then I also have darkness and glimmer of hope. All is within me and that is what makes me grateful for just one breath each morning. 

See there is not any one obstacle that is in my life, that I cannot handle because of my faith. So yes I have my "Mary" moments, my sick days, my bouncing steps and my calm breaths. All this is part of me. 

And when this day is completed, whether at midnight or three a.m., I am in hope for one more day of living. That is my expectations. 

So even my scary nightmares and my optimistic voice I am still humbled. How about you?