Complexity

 Words fall deep. Nevertheless how broken I have felt, been. Distance carries my mind to thoughts of what ifs and how to shake free of the torment. Still there is no reason to listen to the words of doubt. The answers dance around the world. Surely the need of words to fall into the world today, just to hold the hope that someone will find a moment to see, that there are real people who are desperate but yet they don't need any one person. They find a silent tear to fall down their faces and the emotions that are left behind waver in the midnight breeze.

See you must understand that nothing I breath is real. Something stops my mind from forming the reality of life when I am torn inside nightmares. The demented mind forms these out of control spirals that cackle against my very fiber of my life. And still I find myself listening to them. Not following, completely. Just adding a phrase or two just break into this mental meltdown.

Yet did you really understand the depth of my mind? 

I am not lost nor am I crazy. The boxes I have shut down and put away from my very part of what builds me, I have somehow cracked open the lids. I have now shown my damage to so many people but no one carries the weight. No one wants to help lift with me. At times that makes a person wander and become distorted. Still that person is not destroyed.

I am not destroyed.

I am kintsugi. I am welded together with love and hope. Within my tiny cracks of fixed gold I slip tears from my eyes and down freckled terrain. These boxes create a flutter of emotions that just find despair throughout but I still cling to hope and joy. I have to, I must see the positive in all that has blown my past. 

Still I find that listening to the darkness within ourselves we can find the light. That there is hope and there is a pure sense of calm. Silly as it may sound to some, the mind is the most complex part of our souls.  And as I sit here listening to music I am capable of say, opening up with whoever is hearing, I hope you are listening too. With the message of surviving is not just how you must live life. 

Breathing. The inhale and exhale is where you should be grateful because you are worth something to God. At times I find myself asking why did I survive so many things? Why have I been torn so many directions? Why is it that I give so much of me? Why do I care so much? How? Why? As I lean into the questions I have come to realize that not all answers are given to me just yet. I am not ready for the complexity of what is in the plan. 

So how do I continue to run then stop and run again? Sprinting in the midst of life? Well I learn about what is best for me. Then as the mind, the organs and the spirit are uplifted I pray for more strength. Strange as that sounds, strength to know what to do with the knowledge given and how to apply it. 

See the world I am pressed into sees all my flaws and exploits them. As the opportunity arises the means to destroy bits of me is ripe. In that I am left with this uncontrollable urge to forget all those lessons I have learned. Why? Because I have yet to learn how to deal with the broken boxes inside my mind. 

Right now I am just trying to keep above sea level but I hope to be on the mountain soon. Then I can be safe. So the understanding is to dive into the darkness and pray. That way I can be open but calm and at peace.

What about you?