A mist

 I was drifting so far away these last few months only in the plans of exploring just one more day of freedom. Then I halted. Completely fell off the earth and swam in the deepest parts of me. Lingering in the depths of blackness just to see if my light would spark. I can honestly say, it did not. 

So long I have felt empty of sorts but that is because I have not allowed room to grow. I have kept myself in a tight box and have said no to myself so many times. I have finally just dissolved the ties that bind me. Now I am just hoping that the lifeline finds me and opens me back up to being free. 

Oh but you see the freedom I speak of is that of seeking nature, finding the joy in the daily breath and the faith of purity. No not that of innocence and perfect but that of clarity. See I have been walking in this mist for so long that I now I understand the reasons, I am just trying to stay focused. 

As much as I strive to maintain some sort of headship in my life I still find myself hoping someone else is willing to take the reins again. Yet I have discussed with a few friends just how important it is to be single and withstand the battles because when the time comes, that is what will pull me through. Making my journey meaningful and strengthen my core, my spirit. 

Still there is part of me that hopes that I do have the strength to carry forward. I know I have resilience because of all the women in my family. We have been taught to be like a rock for many and a pillar to others. 

Yes there are times I am tired. So much of the time in the mist, was that of being tired. Still I have found causes of the tiredness and now I can move forward. As damaging as some of the answers are, I still know I can live with what is given. Only for the fact that Jehovah knows what I can bear and maintain.  I know that I would not be given more than that. 

So sure these last few months have found so much comfort in Job. So many times of annoyance and troubles I have still strength of faith within me. Although at times I do not sound as though I do. Still I have no fault in Jehovah. I find no reason to be angry with him. Much to the dismay of family, I am comforted with Proverbs, Psalms, Job and Esther. 

Also music and plenty of rest has helped. As the times get more and more stressful I find avenues to calm myself whether it be writing, drawing or reading. There is always some way to part the mist and find peace. 

Strangely as peace sounds within my spirit I understand that the rupture within is temporary and I will move on as I should. 

So as the night falls deeper into darkness my eyes become adjusted. I say here, a prayer of hope and of strength. Just, if I could get one hello. One well defined scripture and glean to the cheer I am given. I can only hope in  a prayer. 

So be the reason someone smiles today, for I have.