Earned Time

 What steadies me now is not distance, but order. My peace of mind comes first. My responsibilities come first. My accountability to myself comes first. I am no longer willing to flatten myself just to remain visible, no longer willing to hover like a fly on wet paper.. stuck, unnecessary, slowly tearing myself apart just to prove I was there. I have nothing to prove. Especially not at the expense of my own ground.

I do not respond because I said, plainly, days ago, that I am working on myself. That was not a metaphor. That was a boundary. That work includes learning what I actually mean to you.. not what you say in passing, not what appears in fragments, but what is true when nothing is hidden. If that clarity presses too hard against reality, then let it. Reality is not my enemy. Avoidance is.

I am tired in a way that does not ask for rest; it asks for change. Tired of being endlessly kind, endlessly patient, endlessly generous with understanding that is rarely returned. Tired of swallowing jealousy and calling it maturity. Tired of loving carefully while being handled casually. I opened my walls. I extended trust. That was not small. That was not free. And it does not renew itself automatically.

Access to me is not guaranteed by history or habit. It is earned. Presence is earned. Inclusion is earned. If I am meant to stand in your life, it will be because you chose me with clarity and effort, not because I lingered long enough to be useful. I will not compete with shadows. I will not beg to be named. I will not make myself smaller so someone else can feel unpressured.

If earning me is not something you are capable of, then let me go. Not with drama. Not with excuses. Just honestly. I am not afraid of release. I am afraid only of staying where my worth is treated as optional.

I am here, rooted, accountable, at peace.

What you do with that truth is no longer my responsibility.