Mind wanders through

 When the mind wanders over the many days and sits well into the quiet of a night, one begins to drift. I sit here thinking about how I need to get many projects done and bills that are stacking up against me. Yet all I can deeply be concerned about is that of people close. 

It is a sadness and mistrust of those who surround me. Though it is not something that they did or said, more the lack of it. The silence. 

I question all parts of me when people distance themselves after doing so many deeper conversations. The person I am begins to criticize all parts of my breath and why my existence has caused such a treatment. And though I do think I deserved the treatment I also recognize that life keeps us busy. 

Still the night holds me vibrantly awake, way until five in the morning, contemplating these very thoughts and images. Scenarios that play over and over in my mind. Releasing a whole new dimension of adrenaline. 

And I still don't have an answer to the silence. I understand the distance but the mind of my mind needs reassurance. For some, it is hard to grasp, as they do understand I am hyper independent but I do need it. And still, I won't say a word. I will keep my distance and the remain stoic. As I should. 

But should I really? I suppose that is what the question really begs to be answered. And still, I just push the issue down. Forcing the quietness to overcome and wash me of my words. That is why if I get silence, I mirror and give silence back. I don't even bother to question it, even though I talk to myself and shiver to sleep. 

Deeply devastated by even the speck of disappointment. Still, even when I do get the explanation, I feel that if someone is too busy for you then that is what you are. 

I do not bother to talk. I just do my things, sleep, eat, watch a show or read. Then carry forward. Even when the wandering echoes inside of me,  I still remain still. Knowing that if I was important, I would be engaging. 

Oh but you see, that is what keeps my mind on a million opened tabs. The research that I do to help me further understand a dramatic situation. Yet am I overthinking or just realizing the facts, harder than I want to.

I am good enough and worthy of much. And still am on the silent end of a conversation. Please stop with the frivolous conversation starters. Tell me something deeper. I crave that. Yet I couldn't say that out loud. 

No. I would not. 

Perhaps that is why I so boring to some. Perhaps many things but I am sure that I hold a better level of understanding than most. My experiences give me that. Still. Yet engaging in words with silliness is really killing me. 

Where did the depth go? 

Why are there cordial correctness if the depth is more shallow than half inch of water? Why bother? 

Alas I am letting go. My mind tires of the guessing game. I tire of the irritation of hot and cold. Why bother? Why even contemplate questions in my head when everything seems to be a silent movie reel?

And yet I am not quite waiting nor letting down guarded boundaries. I am just in lingo of hope. Patience is what I must endure. 

Lastly the string can be so taunt but it can be lax too. So stop playing tug a war and just shake out the full pieces of truth and conversations. Let's just be natural and relaxed. 

Is that even possible? 

As now the wandering of my mind settles I remind myself not to settle. Just understand my worth, limitations and boundaries. Yet still grasp hope. That is how I am emptied upon paper. Drained of the lasting thoughts of bait and switch. 

Trickling down the questions, yet, not really releasing the entire concern that plagues my dreams and destroys the calm of the morning. 

Does anyone understand how I am expressing myself? Ah what can I do but hope. Despite all those demanding words and silent pauses I still need the actions of hugs. 

In those moments I break. Making my eyes sleepy and dazed. Time to close and drift. Indeed a small amount time is flicked across a memory and sleep becomes the beginning of a new day.

So silence is understood but not liked. And actions speak volumes that one cannot reveal. Perhaps a good night is smoother than a hello. 

Indeed, try it. Start answering questions or open up to a depth of onion peels so I can gain knowledge and wisdom from you.

Good night dear ones.