Unfiltered

     I hide so much of me inside. So much stays buried but when someone ask I tell them. Most honestly the flood that comes out of me just releases so much and then I become such a mess. I am emptied of all that is pressed on me. Then the tears fall for days later. 

    All I can do is sleep and cry. Yet I don't feel sad. I feel that of calm. Just as you do in a prayer. Why does emptying hurt so much? Likened to the experience all over again. 

   I do not know but I am grateful to slice one more person out of my life. It just so happens that it is the person who asked, who said they wanted to know. Yet the reality of the situation is they only wanted to skim the top part, not the full blown weight. Why did you bother to ask?

   Now day 3 of release, I am sleeping more, crying more, just whenever I can. 

   Any way you put it, the person, the weight were one in the same. Now just trying to find my footing again and move. Doesn't matter where I move just that my feet pick up the soul and take my mind to a place that will uplift my spirit. 

   I wonder about friendships. What is the point to find that person that can relate to you, who wants to search for you, wants to help you and wants to love you? What is the point in giving back, pushing back and loving? 

   I don't want to be cold but the trust level will always be a problem. Now I have to withdraw to a certain level and find something unseen but tangible that makes me, my thoughts and spins my spirit into the righteousness. 

   I can't expect many to understand what all this means but for me, this is another voice. 

                      And I did pray for help. Help to make this person aware of what is real. 

   

    I did not call to God in my prayer to make revenge. No. It was my love for this person that I called for help. I was so tired of understanding my place in their life and them not knowing. So just to unload the flood into their lap, well, that was refreshing. 

   I just said in my prayer that when things blow up, let me go. I always know, understand how important I am to God in this situation. And like I do for everyone, I keep loving them, but I can walk away.  Emotionally, yes, I am tattered. The most amazing characteristic about me is my resilience. 

   Don't get me wrong, I still hurt. I still feel broken but I have learned through experience, that resilience is what helps keep me above ground. There are just portions of life that I'd like to erase but the reality of all my life, is that I move and grow wisdom from each fracture of my life.

   So today, I am crying but am grateful. Careful once more and just pushing through the muck of this week. Remembering when someone asks for "unfiltered" don't give them unfiltered. It is a trick because they think that they can handle what I have to say. Clearly, they cannot. 

   And now I shut the door to that person. Defined that honesty was not involved in our friendship. Sugar coating was.