Unlatching

 Nothing prepares you for this unlatching that you give when you are finally able to give your workplace the grand rollercoaster of how your life has been the last two and half years. None of the self help awkward books shows you the level of deconstructing that falls on the ground when this happens.

All the more is that you realize that in the events of where you blew up at someone finally was the last straw of several things in your life. All that seemed important actually meant nothing. Building relationships and encouraging others was an overlook. Then the kindness you plastered on your face in the midst of severe chaos, finally broke. 

That chain of events is something that causes major migraines and broken trust. It creates walls and shifting slates that have you completely jumpy about those who are judging you. And know that they are secretly doing just that. As much as you keep this emotionless, fatiguing facade of positivity when all that is really there is eating you up inside.

There really is something to be said about those who are survivors. Something to be said about those who are pillars. Something to be said about those who encourage. Look inside their windows. I bet you never would have unless they blew up at someone. The closet full of dirt and disgust flings out in free droves. Truthfully it is defining and freeing at the same time.

You never knew to look at me, in my moment of exploding that I have had enough? No. No one who finds themselves centered then not centered does that. Someone walks briskly past and no one notes anything. Or when someone, normally, is quiet still they don't ask. They just assume. 

Would it have hurt you to look outside your box, to question that maybe life is harder than that of your own? Perhaps not. Because some people just don't unload on you. Some people feel NO need to be cozy with you. Why? Oh the real reason is there need not to be any more drama in their lives.

Truthfully no one ever checks up on these people. They begin to walk as though in a cloud. Dark, stormy cloud that makes them silent. Sometimes it really is just easier to remain distant from people. The reality of the whole situation makes me understand that life really is temporary. That secular work doesn't hang on and lives are crushed because of false things. 

Sadly I am a survivor. I have overcome so much in my life. I have never once, given my whole life to someone. It is just not going to happen. God is the only one who knows the whole parts and the bits I don't recall.

See that is why survivors, real survivors learn to depend on themselves. They get to this state where victimization is constantly repeated and the affect that it has on their mental and emotional state, damaging. So why not just let people assume things about you? So much easier for them than to hear the truth. So much easier for them to just carry forward, not realizing the crunching of bones their feet are doing to survivors.

And as I sit here recognizing the beginning of a brand new start. I also see the hesitation I will have but all is for the best. Life closes a chapter but gives paper to start the new one. This is where I am today. Looking for new. Starting over, once more.