Mending
I laid down my whole world for one person. Then I opened the door to myself. Unclear if the life I was going to live, should, would be where I wanted to be. Then I cleared away the worry and dove into the bliss of company.
Then the idea of letting just a solo person change the course of my life, no. I had to keep clinging to the hopes and when nothing was changing internally I realize that life was empty. Nothing left for me to really lean into. Nor was there any reason to extend myself back to those who claimed to understand me.
All it was a farce. Clearly the only one that knew me was me. And to that point I thought all aspects of life were worth breakage just for one moment standing in the line of fire. Ah how truly broken a woman can be when scorned. And either she sees vengeance or she walks away.
In my thoughtless moments I have to admit standing in the course of firing arrows and bullets seemed quite ideal. Only to realize the only one losing or dying was myself. No one else cared to step forward. No one bothered to say, yes she is mine. That I had to learn the hardest way ever. Breaking into a million pieces only to be battered over and over again. Until one last blow crumpled me.
In those minutes and hours of awakening were the very simple flashes of who I was to come to know.
No more backing down. No more allowances of shallow friendships. No more pretending to be this flighty person. No. I had a backbone again. And by golly I was not going to let anyone roll over me, again.
Then calm came. Peace entered. Serenity prospered. And my life took me to smiling again and laughing. And when this solo person dared to tread at my doorway, I smiled and entertained the idea of forgiveness. Momentarily I assure you.
At long last the broken pieces were mended. I could finally say names, places and see pictures. Not being destroyed by a sordid past. Today I completely forgive. Even myself and all that I put before me. In those tiny moments of quiet, I understand why changing for a solo person that was not me. That I should have recognized the blackened road I was travelling. Oh and saw that a no one person changes but for themselves.
That is how I forgive. Because I am not the one that judges. I am not the one that has vengeance. Never will be my place. Above all I have no power to take or give life. So my road stopped here.
Yesterday I walked away from emotions I may have had, and this solo person, I pray is finding truth within.
One can only hope.
Then the idea of letting just a solo person change the course of my life, no. I had to keep clinging to the hopes and when nothing was changing internally I realize that life was empty. Nothing left for me to really lean into. Nor was there any reason to extend myself back to those who claimed to understand me.
All it was a farce. Clearly the only one that knew me was me. And to that point I thought all aspects of life were worth breakage just for one moment standing in the line of fire. Ah how truly broken a woman can be when scorned. And either she sees vengeance or she walks away.
In my thoughtless moments I have to admit standing in the course of firing arrows and bullets seemed quite ideal. Only to realize the only one losing or dying was myself. No one else cared to step forward. No one bothered to say, yes she is mine. That I had to learn the hardest way ever. Breaking into a million pieces only to be battered over and over again. Until one last blow crumpled me.
In those minutes and hours of awakening were the very simple flashes of who I was to come to know.
No more backing down. No more allowances of shallow friendships. No more pretending to be this flighty person. No. I had a backbone again. And by golly I was not going to let anyone roll over me, again.
Then calm came. Peace entered. Serenity prospered. And my life took me to smiling again and laughing. And when this solo person dared to tread at my doorway, I smiled and entertained the idea of forgiveness. Momentarily I assure you.
At long last the broken pieces were mended. I could finally say names, places and see pictures. Not being destroyed by a sordid past. Today I completely forgive. Even myself and all that I put before me. In those tiny moments of quiet, I understand why changing for a solo person that was not me. That I should have recognized the blackened road I was travelling. Oh and saw that a no one person changes but for themselves.
That is how I forgive. Because I am not the one that judges. I am not the one that has vengeance. Never will be my place. Above all I have no power to take or give life. So my road stopped here.
Yesterday I walked away from emotions I may have had, and this solo person, I pray is finding truth within.
One can only hope.
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