Distance in Strength

      For days when I go great lengths
for you to days when I say nothing at
all. Can you appreciate the reasons
why?

    Alas the words found here explain.
Respect, endurance and strength.
The mind says it is grandness yet
humbleness that I don't express
my hardships. The silence is there
to remind me that you are to be
respected.

   Indeed it is a grand lesson I
explore each day. Hoping that once,
just once, you notice that I have
changed.

   Alas I will keep putting it as a prayer.
To keep my temper, my frustration
in check. To explore the new ways to
get myself out without upsetting you
in the midst.

   Ah the strength I am encouraged
to have just to keep going. Indeed
I find many times not wanting to tell
you anything in my life. Holding it
back, holding it in. Still what good is
that?

   Only no one benefits from that. Still
just hoping to express me. How though?

    Oh pardon my selfishness, according
to your words. I still have yet to find
Mary after all this mess. One thing
remains true. I have Jehovah to help
me.

    Finding me in my lowest of moments
he finds people to use to help push me
higher. All the negativity you
expell drowns in Jehovah's love for me.

     At times you say you love me but
why, then, do I feel dirty and used?
Why can I just be Mary with you and
not the constant comparison of Kate?

   Nothing I do now makes me different
from her. I have just replaced her
entirely but I twist myself to try to
be me. When will that be good enough?

   Alas I have a the rare true parts of
me, hiding and waiting, to be shown.
Will you let me grow or are you going to
put up a blockade to my growth?

    Indeed progress has been made but
the exact moments, hazy. I try to
see where changes occurred but the
lines waver because the hits I took.
To stand, to be an individual.  To just
be Mary.

    I am not that child in the past. I
have grown. I have pain. I endure
the hurt. I find my way. Still you think
it is necessary to draw me back into
my blackened past. Why?

    Then you protest because I depend
too much on you. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

    Still I say nothing because I am
humble. I hold on to the love I must
show. Then the hope that you can see
me for the grown woman I am.

    A hope.